7/31/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for this day. It was great to escape the reality from my life for a little while but now I am ready to come back. And thank you for yesterday and all the talks and aweosme people I got to meet. Please help me to ge tto know that group of people better. I know you made me and you want me to rely on you but I feel like I am using you to take over and carry me and I cant do anything without you. And now I know why that is a problem. You made me and gave me everything in my life and you are prob hurt that I am not satisfied with it. Please forgive me. I am ready to move on with my life. Ready to be done with this hurt. I am going to let it go and be happy and satisfied with the life you have provided me with. Thank you so much for all the blessings in my life and please help me to actaully do all the things i just said and would like to do. I love you so much. Amen.

7/28/2010

Dear Havevenly Father, thank you for this day and for all the blessings you have provided me with. Thank you so much for my baby brother getting into SPU. So exciting! I am so proud of him so thank you so much for that. Thank you for my job and the opportunities for ministry that I have there. Thank you for all the people I work with. Thank you for my friends and new people I have been meeting especially through recovery. Thank you for the people who have already offered to be my accountability partners! I am so blessed by you Father! Thank you also for my wonderful family. Lord, please help all the people at my work to get along and to love one another and to forgive. Please help my brother do do everything good in your eyes and to be sucessful. Please help all my friends at CR to recovery from their many ailements. Please be with brett cause he really is needing you right now I think. Please remind him of your love. Please soften gene's heart to your love (which will be for his benefit as well as mine so I'm sorry if that is selfish) Please help angie and alice to reach financial security. Please turn my older brothers heart toward you so that my baby nephew can be raised in your glory. Jesus, please help me to always remember your love and walk in your light. Please help me to do everything that is glorifying to you. Thank you for staying with me and helping me though my hard times. I love you so much! Amen

7/25/2010-prayer requests

Dear Havenly Father, thank you for all the support and acceptance I have found at CR. I havemany prayer requests for you from some of the people I met. First for PAt- please help her son to be sucessful when taking the bar exam. Please help to guide him and be there for him no matter the result. And please give him strength in his jobs as he is under a lot of pressure right now and has a large work load. For Marcy- please help her to find a job with good pay and full benefits and please provide her with financial support. Also please help her to get involved in the program she wished to help with at saddleback church and please also help them financially as well. Please help her friend and her husband who has cancer. Please give her strength to fight the cancer and her husband the strength to give her the support she needs. For Margaret- thank you for helping her get out of a bad marriage. I dont know the circumstances very much but she described it as a very bad marriage and she has much gratitude. Please provide support for her grandmother and her son Joe and please help with her house remodel. For Grace- please provide her with financial support and for her house to become livable. Please provide her with what she needs to make her house a safe and comfortable place to be. Please help her to get ready for work in the fall, including finding a caregiver for her brother and please provide her with the financial means to do so. Please help her to continue to trust in you and please continue to provide for her. For Jackie- please help her to do well at her new job and please provide her with blessings. She didn't share much of her story but I can feel the hurt in her. Please pick her up and carry her just as you are doing for me. She really needs you right now Lord, please help her to find peace in your love. Thank you for all the blessings in my life also and for showing me what me to do. I love you. Amen.

7/21/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, than you so much for all the people from book/bibles study. They have all been so welcoming and i feel like they could be part of my church family. There is also Joelle's chuch that I can check out and the one that I am going to see when I go to recovery tomorrow. Please help me find a place that can be my church home and let me know when i am where i am supposed to be. Thank you for gracia's story and a reminder that what I am going though is nothing compared what she went through, and especially nothing compared to what you went through Jesus! Please help me keep things in perspective and remember that what you have planned for me in better than anything I could think of. Please help me to find someone with who I can have a godly relationship, one that is pleasing to you. Gracia made a comment about religion being more than a cruch it can be a stretcher. And it made me thing of the fact that i know I am being carried by you right now and i trust that you will not put me down until you know I am ready. Please give me courage during recovery tomorrow. I am nervous. Please bring more student to our schools, we need the students and it is so important for children these days to get a christian education and to know your love. And i also want to keep my job! So please bring us more students. thank you for my dad all of my family that is so suportive. I know my dad is worried about me right now but i am afraid to tell him everything that is going on because i still have hope that gene and i will get back together and i dont want my dad to hate him. Please give my dad some peace to know that I am ok and please soften gene's heart. there is really nothing else i can do. So now its up to you lord. I trust you. I love you. Amen

7/19/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me a father that loves and cares for me so much. I hope he knows how much he means to me. Thank you. Forgive me for being so mean to Brett today, i feel I said thing that i probably should not have said and I lost my temper with him. I wish i could make excuses with him saying mean things about the person i love but I know you dont hear excuses. No matter what the circumstances i should be nice. Please help me to do so in the furture. Please help him to find peace also. Please help Laurie and her son, he is really needing some guidance right now and please give Laurie strength and patience. Please be with Leslie as she is growing into a woman, please be there for her and help her to stay strong always. Please help Angie to have a great time and stay safe while on vacation. Please help my baby brother get into college and achieve everything he has wanted. I am feeling a little better about the Gene situation. I know that I will be able to move on and be ok if he decides he does not want to be with me, although i really want him to want me. Lord, I pray that it is in your will for gene and i be together and have a relationship that is glorifying to you. please be with gene. he needs some guidance too. there is so much that he wants to do and i want him to be able to accomplish everything he dreams of, please be with him. And father please continue to stay with me. Thank you so much for not leaving my side since I have asked you to stay. I can feel you here with me and when i pray "take it away" you do. Thank you so much for being my rock and fortress. In your arms is where i find hope and rest. Please continue to stay with me. I love you. Amen

7/18/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and for loving me and for keeping me and my friends and family all here for another beautiful day. Thank you for Joelle and please keep her safe when she goes to Turkey. Thank you for all the people I met at Bible study on Friday, I think I would really like Sarah to become my mentor and Caitie to be my friend. Please help that to happen. I have decided to enter back into recovery, even though I havent cut in a few days Im still having trouble with my eating issue, please help me get into that ant to get better. Thank you for all the people at Bible study tonight. Thank you for everyone being so welcoming, especially Henry. Please help me find a new Church home where I can be safe and accountable and loved. I would like to go to the missions conference and the women of faith conference. Please help to make that possible. I love you so much. Please help me to do good in your eyes and to remember to succumb to your will. I am having a hard time right now because I know I am supposed to pray to you and expect you to do what I am praying for but also that I need to follow your will. Those seem like different things to me. Please help me to understand. And please help me figure out what to do with gene. If it is over I wish he would just tell me, dragging it out makes it hurt worse. Should I tell him that? I know what I'm going to say tomorrow but I wondering if I should talk to him about what I hear today? Please advise. And please help Brett, I dont know what he needs right now, I dont know if he has feelings or what hismmotive is but he is being condensending rather than supportive. Lord, I am afraid that I am praying to you for the wrong reason. To fix the wrong things in my life and ignoring your will, but I want so badly for your will to be what I want! Please help me. I love you. Amen

7/17/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, I am trying so hard to submit to your will but i am having a hard time. I know I need to submit to you and know that you will take care of me in the way you have planned but I am having a hard time letting go. Please help me. In the back of my mind I am thinking that if I can submit to you that you will in the end give me what I want but I know that this is not what you want from me so please help me to give up the power. Please help me to give everything to you. Thank you so much for my family and friends. Its amazing how supportive they are when I called for help. Please help me to know what to do on Sunday, which one I should go to? Lord, please be with Brett right now. He really needs you. And Joelle, thank you so much for her and please bestow upon her every blessing you can. And Angie, please give her financial peace-and Alice too. Also, please bless James and his baby and baby mama, please let them have a hwalthy baby. And please bless baby Oliver Cutler and keep him healthy and the Lee and Brady babies! Please help Jean to he the best husband he can be and to provide Danielle with everything she needs and she him. With the exception of the things only you can give them of course. Please bless their marriage. Thank you for Bible study tonight. I think I am really getting the message you are sending me: Depend on You, You know what you are doing, please help me to listen. I love you. Amen

7/14/2010

Dear Father, feeling better today. Thank you for still carrying me. I still need you. Thank you for staying with me. I love you.
Amen

7/13/2010

Dear Lord, please forgive me again. I dont want to do it but it helps the pain. You know what I am feeling inside. Please help me. I think I fianlly got the lesson you are trying to tell me. Devote more time to you. Am I am trying but its so hard to think. My head it so full! Please fill me back up with the hopeful feeling I had earlier today. I dont have anything without hope that something will work out. It doesnt need to be with Gene if that is not your will. (Although I pray it is) Please just work my life. Im letting go. Giving it to you. Please take away mine pain. However you need to do it just please make it stop. And please be with Gene right now. He needs you too. He needs to know that he is loved and cherised above all by you. Please help him to feel that piece and to sort out his life also. And if you can please soften his heart to me. Please let it be your will. But regardless please take this pain away, however you can. I know you can make my life perfect. You dont have to do that just please take it away. And thank you for Annette and Joelle. They have been great through all of this. And Angie. Thank you for bringing them into my life. I love you. Please take care of me. Amen.

7/11/2010

Dear Lord, Iam feeling that feeling agin. I need you to pick me back up. Please dont put me down for another two weeks. I am trying to be strong but I just dont know how. Thank you so much for Joelle. Thank you for the amazing faith you have given her and her ability to pass this on to me. Please pick me up. Please hold me. I love you. Amen

7/9/2010

Dear Lord, I cant do this. I am freaking out here. I dont know what to do. I need you to help me. Calm me down. I cant do this. I dont know how. please send me help. I cant do this. Please help me. Tell me what to do. Is this punishment for lying and being so far away from you? I dont know what to do. I dont want to feel this way. There are only a few ways I know how to make this stop and I know that they are not glorifying to you Lord. Please. Please. Please...I need you now. Please come be with me. I dont know how to let this go. I dont know how to let him go. Help me. Give me the strength to be brave and move more into your light Lord. Please. I dont want to feel like this. I am begging you. Please send someone to help me through this. I cant. I cant do it. I need you so much. I am sorry I have been lying and walking far from you. Please tell me what to do. Please show me what to do. I need you. Please come protect me Father. I want to manipulate, I am thinkning of all these things that I can do but I know that none are glorifyingto you. Please help me. I think I know what I am going to do now. I love you. Amen

7/1/2010

Dear Heavenly Father, I am taking the fact that I ran out of grey's to watch and that I can't clean the floor right now to mean that I should prob talk to you right now. I am sorry for cutting, I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Please help me to not do it again. Please help me to be strong. Lord, thank you for my wonderful family and how supportive they are being of me lately. Thank you for helping me trun around my relationship with my dad. With this book I am reading about cognitive dissidence I am wondering if I am actually having false memories about the things that happened to me as a child. Not just from him but from my mom too. And there is a lot I dont remember. Is it possible that my upbringing really wasn't as bad as I thought it was? I dont know. Please help. Please also take care of Dustin and help Brandon to believe in you so that my baby nephew can be raised in your glory. Please help Erin and Travis to be happy and to have a baby when you think they are ready. Lord, thank you for all the opportunities that you have provided me with at work and please help me to be a good employee and teacher. Please help me to have patience with the children and please help me to display your grace, especially for the ones that need to be shown some extra love. Please help Darreon and Jewels and Kaelyn and Teegan to be happy children and be good. Thank you for Angie. she has been such a good friend to me. Thank you for all the people I work with. Please help our field trip to go well tomorrow and pleaes stop the rain. Father, I am sorry for all the sins I have comitted and I pray that you will forgive me for everything especially if I am remembering my childhood as worse than it was. That would be just awful not only for me, because it would make me feel different as a person. I was always impressed with how "good" I turned out in spite of what has happened to me. If those things didn's happen then what is so special about me? Please help me to see what you see in me. But imagine the hurt I have put on my parents! Please forgive me and help me to move on. Father, thank you for Gene and please help him to feel better. I love you. Amen.